I have lived with mental health problems for twenty years now, give or take a couple. I had a mental break down when I was in my twenties and that was a really interesting experience.
For me personally, the whole experience of being depressed and suffering from anxiety could of been much easier if I didn’t take my anti-depressants, because they made a tough situation much, much worse.
Thinking back on how long I have lived with mental health problems is rather a depressing thought to be honest, but on the other hand it is also rather positive. When I was going through the dark periods of my life I could of very easily ended my own life on more than one occasion. So, the positive side is that I am still here and that I never deprived my children of a Father and my partner still has to put up with me 😉
I have always considered myself a spiritual person, and I have always had a belief in God. My concept and understanding of what God is has changed a lot over the years, but the belief is still there. The more I became aware of my mental health problems, the more I struggled to make it work with my belief in God. When I wasn’t in a depressive episode my spiritual side was front and centre in my life, but as soon as my depression would take hold I would start to attack my beliefs, calling myself a fraud, a fake, a pretender. I just couldn’t accept that a spiritual person could experience mental health problems.
To me a spiritual person was always supposed to be positive, never having self doubts and being supremely confident. This was the complete polar opposite to how I felt. As a result of all the feelings, I was filled with guilt and despair. All I wanted to do was to feel close to my Creator, but I felt that I didn’t deserve it. I always tried to present an image of confidence, but all the time I was self-sabotaging my efforts.
I know now that my Creator accepts me for who I am, and more importantly who I am becoming everyday. He knows that I have challenges, but he knows from my track history that I am up for the challenges and despite often taking a few detours along the way, I am still on the path.
The Creator views all his children like apples on the tree, some of the apples are ripe and ready to be picked, and others are still ripening.
I am most definitely still ripening!
Mindful Herbivore 